Hold On.

Under no circumstances should a parent have to attend a meeting regarding the results of their child's autopsy.

As we drove into Vancouver yesterday, I thought to myself...."I cannot believe this is my life."

I remember saying that sentence at other events in my existence such as getting married, meeting the governor of the Philippines, touching the walls of the great Taj Mahal.

But this...

This is one of those times that I wish this wasn't happening to me, to our life.

Going into that appointment yesterday, I was looking for answers. I wanted some sort of reason for why Rowan passed, other than an abnormal heart. We knew that when Rowan passed away, his heart was not the cause for his death. Yesterday, I was hoping for another reason...some other cause of such a tragic event.

But there was nothing.

We were told that there could have been some sort of metabolic issue that Rowan had, that caused him to pass, along with his complicated heart....but it was a 1 in 100,00o chance. We were told that even if he didn't have the surgery, that he would have passed away regardless because of the state of his blood gasses. This made me question...did we make the right decision? Should I have taken my baby home, to die peacefully in my arms? Rather than ripping open his chest and pumping him full of medical remedies....should we have just let him be? Or would I always have wondered if we should have done the surgery and gave him a fighting chance?

These questions, I wish I never had to ask.

Rowan also suffered from a stroke caused by the stress of being on the ECMO machine. If he was not taken off the machine the bleed in his brain would have cause severe brain damage if he survived. Should we have not put him on ECMO on the first place, as it wasn't really helping him?

I wish I could have done things differently. I wish I was a doctor or scientist that knew more about what we were up against. But I was just a simple mother, who wanted her son to live. And he didn't.

Sitting through yesterday was like loosing him all over again. Recounting every detail and date of what had happened that week, brought a cold reminder that my son was no longer with us.

BUT...

I got a phone call from my father in law this morning and he said this...

"You created a life that is living forever...

Rowan was born so that he could be in eternity...

And yes we miss him now but this life is short...and we will get to spend forever with him."

After all, these days on earth are so short and dated...when eternity with the Almighty,awaits you!

There is nothing that will heal the broken-ness of this heart today. Even the power of God, feels so small on days like today.

But there is a small candle buried deep deep down in my heart that has a tiny flame....

And that flame burns with hope.

Tiny, little hope.

Hope for a better tomorrow.