Rowan's Story
I need help. There is no cloud grey enough, no ocean wide enough, no fire hot enough and no word sweet enough to fill the empty void I feel right now.
I have never know a pain so great as that of losing my son Rowan. He came into the world as quickly as he left, leaving a hole in my heart that no word or deed or person could fill.
Let me tell you his story.
Rowan was destined to be a mysterious wonder from conception. The unexpected pregnancy that led to his little life was a startle to this mother and father. We had not even been married three months yet and already expecting our first child.
The pregnancy as many of you knew, was one of the most physically demanding things I have ever done. Ailment after ailment plagued me from day one. Rowan was determined to make his presence known from the very beginning. From beginning to end he was such a fighter. He would wiggle inside my belly, pressing on nerves in my back causing such excruciating pain, all to let me know he was there.
At 20 weeks pregnant we found out that our blessed son would be born with a rare heart condition called Hypo plastic Left Heart Syndrome. Half a heart. We mourned the loss of health for our son and prayed for him a different path, however, as time progressed, we knew God was allowing our son to be born with half a heart.
38 weeks rolled around. I had been on bed rest and in and out of hospital for several months at this point. This baby needed to make his entrance into this world fast, as I was unable to bear the physical pain of carrying him. Sitting here now, in our empty heartbroken house I would give anything to put in back in there. Just one more minute...one more moment with my son.
I went to my OB and had my membranes swept. Within a few hours I was in labour. It was a Wednesday night and the back labour had set in. Within hours of Jer coming home from work we were on our way to Abbotsford hospital.
Arriving there, not knowing if I was in true labour, we found out that my body had dilated and that I would be transferred to Vancouver Women's Hospital. Within two hours we were in Vancouver, hoping and praying that our son would come soon.
Labour was excruciating. Until the epidural. Then, we waited as 5,6,7,8, and 9 centimeters came. And then stopped.
Rowan was delivered via emergency c-section at 12:20 exactly, Friday July 1st.
I know mothers reading this will all agree with me when I say that you think your child is the greatest. But truly I cannot express how great he was.
Coming out screaming, hearing his cries for the first time is a feeling I will never forget. I honestly cannot find words to describe it.
It was like the world gave me all the riches, fame, glory, power and praise and wrapped it all up in a little package called Rowan.
It was like the universe gave me itself and presented itself in my son.
I cant think of words or descriptions big enough to describe my son. He came out, and my whole being felt complete. Love instantaneously rushed through my veins and nothing could tear me away from my son.
As we were able to hold Rowan for the first time, I thanked the creator for allowing me such a gift. The gift of motherhood, the gift of Rowan. We have never had a prouder moment then welcoming our son into the world.
Rowan was quickly taken to be assessed by the nurses and doctors. Waiting in the recovery room after he was born was torture. Not being able to have my baby on my chest just about ripped the soul from inside my body. Not only did my mind miss him and crave him, but my newly formed mother body urned for him. He was a part of me, and without him I felt empty.
After a few hours I was able to get wheeled in my bed, to be beside his, for a few short minutes. I was in love. I kissed him like I would never see him again, making his little head squish and wrinkle his lips.
He was the cutest baby. Weighing in at 9 pounds exactly, he was perfect. Perfect on the outside, complex in the inside.
I spent as much time down in the ICU with him as I could. Physically trying to get down there after the c-section was so hard and painful, but not being with him was worse. It broke my heart to leave when I had to go back upstairs and recover.
The surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, but due to some possible fluid in his lungs, it was moved to the Sunday. Jer and I spent as much time with Rowan as we could, holding him and telling him we loved him. We knew what had to happen to him and it broke our hearts knowing of the journey that would come. Or so we thought.
Rowan went into surgery on Sunday July 3rd at 8:30 am. We were able to hold our son and tell him we loved him before he went in. The surgery was only supposed to be 4 hours long... but as 3:00pm rolled around we knew things we more complex than we thought. Pre-op, Rowans blood pressures and stats were great, as well as after the surgery. When they opened up Rowans chest however, they found a more complicated heart than what had appeared on all of the ultrasounds leading up to his birth. The surgeon said that the procedure had gone well, and that the hours and days to follow would truly tell how the heart would function on its own.
Several hours after the surgery we got a call to come down to the ICU. Rowan was being put on a machine called ECMO, a machine that would pump his heart and lungs for him, allowing the heart to rest and to heal. This machine as we heard later, is used when babies are going to die. We had no idea we would lose our son.
Over the course of the next few days, we watched our son be hooked up to more tubes and drips and hardware than any parent should ever see on their child. We had hopes that Rowan would be able to come off ECMO as another heart baby did, a few weeks before. Rowans life did not take that route. With unstable blood pressures and saturation's etc, Rowan body struggled on ECMO. It was decided in an emergency effort based on his statistics and now swelling in his brain, that Rowan needed to come off immediately if there was any chance of his survival. We were told that the six hours after being off ECMO would determine his fate.
He lived!
He had made it through the first six hours and beyond. We prayed every second of every day for miracles for our son. Many of you prayed along with us, asking on our behalf to save our son. This was not the destiny our God had for Rowan.
Baffling doctors left, right and center; Rowan was a medical mystery. Echos on his heart showed it to be better functioning than the doctors who were examining him. The problem wasn't Rowans heart. His heart had been fixed. There was something else brewing inside of his little body, working against him...causing his stats to fall, leading to his passing.
Rowan had the love of every nurse, doctor and fellow that came to help him. Doctors would pace beside his bedside wondering what they could do next to try to save our son. Perplexed by what was happening in his body, they just stood there and said, "we don't know what is wrong with your son!"
We, at this point had been able to be discharged from the hospital and moved to a bed and breakfast a few minutes from the hospital.
On July 8th, we had gone into the hospital for morning rounds. Rowan was stable when we had left with an ok blood pressure, after an unstable night before. Things were up and down for him most days, seeing high points and low points. We had been a bit encouraged at his blood pressure and had felt so exhausted we went "home" to get a few more hours of much needed rest.
Waking up in the afternoon, we got a call from the hospital. We needed to come right away as Rowan had taken a turn for the worse. We instantly made calls and gave updates for you and many others to pray for our son, to spare his life.
We arrived at the hospital within 10 minutes, only to hear the surgeon say that they couldn't keep his levels up and that there was more swelling in his body and possibly brain, that it was now just becoming inhumane to keep him alive.
I turned to Jer and said these words, "I am not ready for this. I am not ready to lose my son."
We went to his bedside to be with him. Jeremy asked if we could just unplug him from all the cords and machines and just have him to hold in the last minutes of his life.
As they placed him in our hands, his heart was still beating strong, our hearts breaking. We were able to hold our precious son as he was ushered into the hands of Jesus, to be for eternity.
Jer had his hand on Rowans chest as it beat for the last time and Rowan Swaan passed away on July 8th, at 4:20pm.
We all know that it was too short of a time. We all know it isn't fair, or just or right. We all weep at the loss of a baby.
But now what. How do I live. How do a mother and father exist without a son.
As Jer and I prayed tonight, I said to God, "it feels so wrong to pray to a God who takes away my son, and then only to ask him for strength to get through it."
My questions run deep. My heart broken completely. My God questioned thoroughly.
Why for 9 months did he knit perfection in my womb, only to give us 7 days.
Why for 29 years of hardship did God have to bring yet another heartbreak to my heavy soul.
Why did he create Rowan only to take him away.
We prayed from the beginning for our son that he be what God needed him to be. We prayed he would impact peoples lives and grow up to tell a story of the goodness of God and how he healed his heart.
We didn't pray he would be taken from us. I never asked for this.
At one point when Rowan was not doing well, Jer and I cried out and prayed to God from our bed. With tears streaming down our faces we lifted our son and placed him at the foot of the cross and said, "do with his life as you see fit. All to your glory and for your name." We handed our sons life over to the Almighty, the one who so created this perfect child, and he did as He saw fit.
I question why God only allowed us 7 days with our son. I question how he is going to sustain us as a couple through this journey. I question how the tears will stop flowing and how my own heart will keep beating.
But I do not question the grand plan of the Lord. I do ask, "why me...why us." But I inevitably know, in my heart and soul that Gods plan with Rowans life was and is great.
When we found out about Rowans heart condition, I screamed and cried till I couldn't breathe. I ran into Rowans room and sobbed on the floor. I heard the Lord say two things to me. One, "now you know what it was like for me to lose my Son," and two, "In the final hour I will heal." I know now, that the Lord has completely healed my son. He is with the Lord God Almighty, the creator of heaven and earth, and Jesus is there loving him. He is wrapping his arms around him and Rowan is knowing and understanding the greatest love of all. The love of Jesus. How can I question, and how can I doubt, when I know my son is in a far greater place than I will ever know, or be able to give him?
But still. My body aches for him. My tears do not stop falling for him. My womb craves life inside of it again. My soul seizes in pain for him. My son. My son. Father, you have taken my son.
I feel I cannot carry on.
I wish death, so I may see my son.
And I try to make it through another day.
I have never know a pain so great as that of losing my son Rowan. He came into the world as quickly as he left, leaving a hole in my heart that no word or deed or person could fill.
Let me tell you his story.
Rowan was destined to be a mysterious wonder from conception. The unexpected pregnancy that led to his little life was a startle to this mother and father. We had not even been married three months yet and already expecting our first child.
The pregnancy as many of you knew, was one of the most physically demanding things I have ever done. Ailment after ailment plagued me from day one. Rowan was determined to make his presence known from the very beginning. From beginning to end he was such a fighter. He would wiggle inside my belly, pressing on nerves in my back causing such excruciating pain, all to let me know he was there.
At 20 weeks pregnant we found out that our blessed son would be born with a rare heart condition called Hypo plastic Left Heart Syndrome. Half a heart. We mourned the loss of health for our son and prayed for him a different path, however, as time progressed, we knew God was allowing our son to be born with half a heart.
38 weeks rolled around. I had been on bed rest and in and out of hospital for several months at this point. This baby needed to make his entrance into this world fast, as I was unable to bear the physical pain of carrying him. Sitting here now, in our empty heartbroken house I would give anything to put in back in there. Just one more minute...one more moment with my son.
I went to my OB and had my membranes swept. Within a few hours I was in labour. It was a Wednesday night and the back labour had set in. Within hours of Jer coming home from work we were on our way to Abbotsford hospital.
Arriving there, not knowing if I was in true labour, we found out that my body had dilated and that I would be transferred to Vancouver Women's Hospital. Within two hours we were in Vancouver, hoping and praying that our son would come soon.
Labour was excruciating. Until the epidural. Then, we waited as 5,6,7,8, and 9 centimeters came. And then stopped.
Rowan was delivered via emergency c-section at 12:20 exactly, Friday July 1st.
I know mothers reading this will all agree with me when I say that you think your child is the greatest. But truly I cannot express how great he was.
Coming out screaming, hearing his cries for the first time is a feeling I will never forget. I honestly cannot find words to describe it.
It was like the world gave me all the riches, fame, glory, power and praise and wrapped it all up in a little package called Rowan.
It was like the universe gave me itself and presented itself in my son.
I cant think of words or descriptions big enough to describe my son. He came out, and my whole being felt complete. Love instantaneously rushed through my veins and nothing could tear me away from my son.
As we were able to hold Rowan for the first time, I thanked the creator for allowing me such a gift. The gift of motherhood, the gift of Rowan. We have never had a prouder moment then welcoming our son into the world.
Rowan was quickly taken to be assessed by the nurses and doctors. Waiting in the recovery room after he was born was torture. Not being able to have my baby on my chest just about ripped the soul from inside my body. Not only did my mind miss him and crave him, but my newly formed mother body urned for him. He was a part of me, and without him I felt empty.
After a few hours I was able to get wheeled in my bed, to be beside his, for a few short minutes. I was in love. I kissed him like I would never see him again, making his little head squish and wrinkle his lips.
He was the cutest baby. Weighing in at 9 pounds exactly, he was perfect. Perfect on the outside, complex in the inside.
I spent as much time down in the ICU with him as I could. Physically trying to get down there after the c-section was so hard and painful, but not being with him was worse. It broke my heart to leave when I had to go back upstairs and recover.
The surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, but due to some possible fluid in his lungs, it was moved to the Sunday. Jer and I spent as much time with Rowan as we could, holding him and telling him we loved him. We knew what had to happen to him and it broke our hearts knowing of the journey that would come. Or so we thought.
Rowan went into surgery on Sunday July 3rd at 8:30 am. We were able to hold our son and tell him we loved him before he went in. The surgery was only supposed to be 4 hours long... but as 3:00pm rolled around we knew things we more complex than we thought. Pre-op, Rowans blood pressures and stats were great, as well as after the surgery. When they opened up Rowans chest however, they found a more complicated heart than what had appeared on all of the ultrasounds leading up to his birth. The surgeon said that the procedure had gone well, and that the hours and days to follow would truly tell how the heart would function on its own.
Several hours after the surgery we got a call to come down to the ICU. Rowan was being put on a machine called ECMO, a machine that would pump his heart and lungs for him, allowing the heart to rest and to heal. This machine as we heard later, is used when babies are going to die. We had no idea we would lose our son.
Over the course of the next few days, we watched our son be hooked up to more tubes and drips and hardware than any parent should ever see on their child. We had hopes that Rowan would be able to come off ECMO as another heart baby did, a few weeks before. Rowans life did not take that route. With unstable blood pressures and saturation's etc, Rowan body struggled on ECMO. It was decided in an emergency effort based on his statistics and now swelling in his brain, that Rowan needed to come off immediately if there was any chance of his survival. We were told that the six hours after being off ECMO would determine his fate.
He lived!
He had made it through the first six hours and beyond. We prayed every second of every day for miracles for our son. Many of you prayed along with us, asking on our behalf to save our son. This was not the destiny our God had for Rowan.
Baffling doctors left, right and center; Rowan was a medical mystery. Echos on his heart showed it to be better functioning than the doctors who were examining him. The problem wasn't Rowans heart. His heart had been fixed. There was something else brewing inside of his little body, working against him...causing his stats to fall, leading to his passing.
Rowan had the love of every nurse, doctor and fellow that came to help him. Doctors would pace beside his bedside wondering what they could do next to try to save our son. Perplexed by what was happening in his body, they just stood there and said, "we don't know what is wrong with your son!"
We, at this point had been able to be discharged from the hospital and moved to a bed and breakfast a few minutes from the hospital.
On July 8th, we had gone into the hospital for morning rounds. Rowan was stable when we had left with an ok blood pressure, after an unstable night before. Things were up and down for him most days, seeing high points and low points. We had been a bit encouraged at his blood pressure and had felt so exhausted we went "home" to get a few more hours of much needed rest.
Waking up in the afternoon, we got a call from the hospital. We needed to come right away as Rowan had taken a turn for the worse. We instantly made calls and gave updates for you and many others to pray for our son, to spare his life.
We arrived at the hospital within 10 minutes, only to hear the surgeon say that they couldn't keep his levels up and that there was more swelling in his body and possibly brain, that it was now just becoming inhumane to keep him alive.
I turned to Jer and said these words, "I am not ready for this. I am not ready to lose my son."
We went to his bedside to be with him. Jeremy asked if we could just unplug him from all the cords and machines and just have him to hold in the last minutes of his life.
As they placed him in our hands, his heart was still beating strong, our hearts breaking. We were able to hold our precious son as he was ushered into the hands of Jesus, to be for eternity.
Jer had his hand on Rowans chest as it beat for the last time and Rowan Swaan passed away on July 8th, at 4:20pm.
We all know that it was too short of a time. We all know it isn't fair, or just or right. We all weep at the loss of a baby.
But now what. How do I live. How do a mother and father exist without a son.
As Jer and I prayed tonight, I said to God, "it feels so wrong to pray to a God who takes away my son, and then only to ask him for strength to get through it."
My questions run deep. My heart broken completely. My God questioned thoroughly.
Why for 9 months did he knit perfection in my womb, only to give us 7 days.
Why for 29 years of hardship did God have to bring yet another heartbreak to my heavy soul.
Why did he create Rowan only to take him away.
We prayed from the beginning for our son that he be what God needed him to be. We prayed he would impact peoples lives and grow up to tell a story of the goodness of God and how he healed his heart.
We didn't pray he would be taken from us. I never asked for this.
At one point when Rowan was not doing well, Jer and I cried out and prayed to God from our bed. With tears streaming down our faces we lifted our son and placed him at the foot of the cross and said, "do with his life as you see fit. All to your glory and for your name." We handed our sons life over to the Almighty, the one who so created this perfect child, and he did as He saw fit.
I question why God only allowed us 7 days with our son. I question how he is going to sustain us as a couple through this journey. I question how the tears will stop flowing and how my own heart will keep beating.
But I do not question the grand plan of the Lord. I do ask, "why me...why us." But I inevitably know, in my heart and soul that Gods plan with Rowans life was and is great.
When we found out about Rowans heart condition, I screamed and cried till I couldn't breathe. I ran into Rowans room and sobbed on the floor. I heard the Lord say two things to me. One, "now you know what it was like for me to lose my Son," and two, "In the final hour I will heal." I know now, that the Lord has completely healed my son. He is with the Lord God Almighty, the creator of heaven and earth, and Jesus is there loving him. He is wrapping his arms around him and Rowan is knowing and understanding the greatest love of all. The love of Jesus. How can I question, and how can I doubt, when I know my son is in a far greater place than I will ever know, or be able to give him?
But still. My body aches for him. My tears do not stop falling for him. My womb craves life inside of it again. My soul seizes in pain for him. My son. My son. Father, you have taken my son.
I feel I cannot carry on.
I wish death, so I may see my son.
And I try to make it through another day.
Lori, Thank you for sharing your story with us again. I feel terrible, feeling like I am dealing with God taking Little Rowan wrong. The feeling of sickness then guilt appears in my stomach a million times a day.
ReplyDeleteI do believe - but I question things. How could God put children through this journey, if they can't make it. How could he put you through so much pain only for 7 days with your son. Little Rowan was adorable, so cute and with so much Hair (: I only met him a few times, and he touched our lives so strongly in such a short time. We will never forget him. I prayed Rowan and Abigail would become friends....
My words are mixed and rambled right now.... but please know, I am sorry! Truly sorry!
Praying for strength for you and your family.
I have a friend "Steffanie Blouin" she lost her little guy Kai a short while ago from a extremely complex heart condition, and he too was on Ecmo. She has been praying really hard for your family, and will continue to pray. She just messaged me saying after a few weeks, it helped her to talk to other heart families who were in similar situations. It is all so fresh in her mind, still grieving, but holding on and re-building. I will message you her info, and if at any point you want to chat/ or write .... don't hesitate.
If you ever need anything please let us know.
Love - Hugs and Prayers.
Jamie, Nancy, Hailey & Abigail.
You don't know me, Lori. I was referred here by Michelle and let me assure you that your words are so powerful and raw...and I want to thank you for being so incredibly transparent in your pain. I wish to give you words of hope, to uplift you...but my words seem in vain. What I do know for sure is that the sun will shine again. It may take a while, but slowly & surely it will peek through the clouds.
ReplyDeleteRest in His arms, Lori. Question Him. He never said it was wrong to question and ask why. He knows you so incredibly well and He already knows your questions before you ask....but it helps you to heal via the asking process.
Praying peace that surpasses all understanding on you and your husband today.....
PS. I just read a blog of another mom who is going through the same thing you are. Her infant son passed away July 2. Here's a link to her blog.
ReplyDeletehttp://littleflowinglips.blogspot.com/2011/07/we-miss-our-sweet-lincoln-32611-7211.html?spref=fb
Thankyou for sharing your journey........KNOW that we are praying for you and Jeremy without ceasing.
ReplyDeleteWE LOVE YOU!!
Uncle Pete and family
Sorry about the third comment, but I was so moved by your story I had to feature you on my blog.
ReplyDeleteDear Lori.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing Rowan's story. I cry for you and I cry for him. There are no words, human sense or understanding that can explain why life unfolds the way it does sometimes.
I hope the reason for God's action was to save Rowan from too much pain, and give him a better life. And I pray that he can help you mend your broken heart as best can be.
I will never understand, but I try to accept. Over the last years I have seen this same journey happen to other families. Six years ago it had never even crossed my mind that I would go to a child's funeral. Now after being a part of a "heart mama" community, I know too well that it happens all too often unfortunately. And it hurts just as much every single time. It has made me doubt my faith at times, but I keep believing there are choices God makes for us that we one day will understand better than we can ever do here on earth.
I will continue to pray for you and Jeremy's healing. I will pray for your relationship, and your pain and hurt to feel more manageable.
With love and condolences,
Hege
I came across your blog via Running Wildly, and my heart just aches for you. I don't believe in the same God you may believe in, but I know the universe would not give you something you couldn't handle. I don't know you, but just by reading your words I know that you are strong enough, and that this was given to you for a specific reason.
ReplyDeleteI know you won't ever be able to fully heal, but I hope you can heal in a way that you can be happy and understand a little more why this happened.
Good thoughts are being sent your way. <3
Steffani
May the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard your heart and your mind... our prayers are with you and Jer on this tough journey ahead. Our hearts ache with yours.
ReplyDeleteLori,
ReplyDeleteI met you once at hallmark...i worked there as a concierge for a short time. But in that short time I heard many wonderful things about you. I have been following your story on facebook as we share many of the same friends. My heart is broken for you as a mommy....and I feel your same pain over your loss. How can a God who knits us fearfully and wonderfully , make and take away? In all of this pain and heart ache, He reminds us that He is still on His throne. Even though you may feel so far apart from Him ....He's got you....and more importantly ...He's got Rowan!! I have to believe that too!
Thank You soooo much for sharing your heart and your love on this page. God is using you mightily!! Your light has shone in the darkest of places...for that I am filled with awe!!
Ma God continue to hold you and carry you when you feel you are no longer able to do that.
I too will pray for your and Jeremy's relationship as you travel the next days, months, years ahead.
God Love and Bless you!
Glenda
I am so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteNo words right now for you...for this situation but I am praying for you.
I go to Northview church. I was planning on seeing you on July 7th as my daughter was having surgery at Children's. Unfortunately due to infection issues I didn't think it would be wise to see you!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I haven't physically lost a child I have endured 14 years of watching a disease ravage my daughters body.I share in your pain!
There are no words to even describe the depths of despair that mom feels watching her child suffer.
One thing I can offer you is Hope! Hope that through this long dark tunnel you are facing there is light! Light that will give you diamond quality reflection. A richness that not many people experience in life. The only way through is the Hope and Trust in your very obvious faith in our Father in Heaven. Words can't explain it but once you get there you will know. Keep blogging, keep talking and most of all keep believing.
I also am a maternity nurse and have seen this strength shine through many people who have been through similar situations. The pain will never completely go away but the reflection of God's Grace will be something you never forget!
My heart aches as my "big sister", who has gone through so much already, walks through possibly the deepest valley of her life.
ReplyDeleteLori, I just...I know that words will never be enough no matter how eloquent they may be. I hope you know how much I love you and how much I wish I could take all your pain away. You have walked with me through some of my own deep valleys with me and reminded me that God knows what He's doing even when it feels like He's so far away. I can't fathom what you're going through but I do know that it's ok to be mad at God and it's ok to test your faith because sometimes this life just isn't fair and sometimes knowing that God knows what He's doing just isn't enough.
However, I am confident that Rowan's impact has and will continue for many days to come. People I know who I don't think ever prayed before were praying for your son and that is an everlasting impact. Through you and your wonderful husband with your heartache and sorrow in the days to come will carry on the legacy of his amazing albeit short life because you loved him and he was, and always will be, your son.
I love you so much and it is a continued honour and blessing to have you in my life.
Lori, I think of your family constantly and pray for you and Jeremy often!!!!! I pray for your emotional healing, I pray for your marriage and I pray that you will be able to see positive from this tragedy!!!
ReplyDeleteI have cried for you and the other Moms that have lost babies, I had many times thought my own son would also not make it... I can't imagine what you are going through!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing his story with us!
Fly to Jesus baby Rowan and LIVE!
My prayers are with you!!!
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard this time must be for you and your husband. Praying for you both as you remember your son.
ReplyDeleteI'm crying with you for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have screamed on the floor for my son. It's the worst feeling in the world. It was for different reasons.
I'm sorry your mommy heart got broken so soon. Just keep reminding yourself that time does heal.
Lori, my heart breaks for you and Jeremy. Know that so many are still praying for you, that God may flood your hearts with peace and understanding.
ReplyDeleteSuch a hard thing to understand....to get through...but you will. Cry out to Jesus...He will carry you both through this.
Thank you for sharing Rowans life story with us! His life was short, but I know that it overflowed with love from his parents! and many others he didn't get to meet.
Love you girl. Big hugs & many prayers.... Joyce
Oh Lori!! I am a sister in law to one of your friends and a nurse who used to work in the ICU where Rowan was cared for. I am so, so sorry for all you have gone through and seen. Praise be to God that you and Jeremy know where your son is. That will be small comfort in the hard days ahead but still it is truth. So much advice is coming your way but my prayer for you and Jeremy is simple... that each day you will CONTINUE to trust God for the hope, strength and peace that will get you through just one day. He is a faithful God.
ReplyDeletePrayers, love and peace knowing that you will see Rowan again (he is running and playing with one perfect heart now!).
Love, Lorelei
Dear Lori & Jeremy
ReplyDelete3 years ago my husband and I lost a little girl shortly after birth, she only lived minutes but in that short time taught us so much. I spend so much time after wondering why us, why me, what did I do wrong, I too would have done anything to be with my baby again. After much reflection I came to the conclusion it wasn't me it was God, he needed her for something greater and one day I would understand what her true purpose was. Not to long after her passing I did get pregnant again and it was the most terrifying experience of my life, but all turned out amazing. Two years ago this month I gave birth to a prefect little boy and I treasure every moment we have with him.
I hope from telling you our story it will bring you hope at this time of sorrow and pain.
My best words of wisdom at this time is to tell Rowan's story to anyone who will listen, and continue to tell his story it will help you heal and one day it will help you find all the answers your looking for.
Tara Goldstone (Schroeder)
I heard of your story through my daughter and her baby group. I have prayed, and I have sent your plight to others who have prayed, and are still praying for you and your husband. We won't know the answer this side of heaven as to why God makes these decisions, or why they happen as they do. But I do know, as you do, that we serve a Great Big God who knows your pains, and hurts, and He has a plan; even though it's not the plan you would ever have chosen; it is His plan. While I was reading your blog 2 things came to mind; whether they be from the Lord or not 1) you said that you felt Rowan's life would reach others, well it has through this blog, and the thousands or more people who prayed you through this. You have given your sorrows and trust to the Lord, and He knows your hearts, and feels your pain. He will use this story to reach out to comfort other women who are going through this without Him. 2) God will use you in the future, once He has brought you through to the other side, to minister to those women who have lost their babies. Why this happened, I do not know, it's a terrible thing, that no parents should ever have to face; but in every painful part of our lives; we have to know that God is in control.
ReplyDeleteMay you receive His comfort by Holy Spirit, to continue on this journey of wholeness and healing as you grieve the life of your son and that horrific day that he was taken from you. May you find comfort in the love of your family and friends and those people who do not even know you, but wish to help you along the way. May our Lord lavish you with love and peace that will bring you into completion. May you know His good and perfect will for your lives as you continue your journey into the unknown. May He guide you and lead you through each day, providing hope and direction. May your lives be filled with the touch of angels who will encamp about you to keep you safe. Father, we ask that You would give Lori & Jeremy Your loving arms to wrap around them, and hold them when they cry. Lord, please show them that You have not forgotten them, and that there was a reason for this story to unfold. Show them Lord that Your desire is not to harm them, but to prosper them and use them for Your purposes. We thank you Lord for the 8 days they had with baby Rowan, and that he is in your care now, dancing with the angels. We ask you Lord that you would comfort baby Rowan and keep him safe and happy until he meets up with his parents one day. They have work to do here on earth, so give them strength to get through the years until they can hold Rowan again. He will be a babe in arms forever; and I thank you Lord, that although your ways are not our ways, they are good. Please help Lori & Jeremy to see that one day as well. May their trust be in you Father.....In Jesus precious name. amen
Thank you for sharing this story, and may you find healing through the action. - Kim
Hi Lori.
ReplyDeleteI'm Jeremy's second cousin, and I'd heard about your story a few weeks ago and have been praying for you guys since. There are really no words that I can think of to say, except that I will contine to pray for you, and often have in tears, that Jesus would hold you and Jeremy in His hands, and that you would feel His prescence as He carries you through this. Love Sarah
My heart is broken with you. I could not breath or do anything for months. IT is to painful, how can a mother and father live without a son? I do not know. I am still learning.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and would love to come and cry with you. My email is here.
Trina's Friend, and yours in heart,
Marie Haak
My mother's heart cries for you and aches for your incredible loss. There is nothing but the sheer strength of Christ that can hold you up at this time. So like the many prayer warriors who surround you and your family at this time, we will continue to lift you up to the one true God who understands and feels your unfathomable loss.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Mary Nyvall (a Northview member and maternity doc at ARH)
Lori, I have been following your story since you were about 5 months pregnant and my heart hurts so deeply for you and Jeremy right now. The faith that you have both shown through this awful, awful time is a true testament to God's power and I want to thank you for that. And remind you of that. I was reading all of the Facebook updates and not once did either of you lose hope or give up on your son or God, and now your poignant blog post about your son's life and the Father that is now holding him for all eternity. Your knowledge of God and who He is and how He loves is a gift. My prayer for you is that you will continue to lean on Him and trust in Him, especially in the moments when the questions are too heavy on your heart and the sorrow is drowning out the rest of the world. May God reveal Himself to you in ways you have never known. May He hold you close and speak truth and hope into your life. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your son's story with us. What a blessing he will forever be.
ReplyDeleteDear Lori, I want to say how terribly sorry I am for the loss of your precious son. No words can express my sympathy. I want to thank you for your complete raw vulnerability, tenderness and your faith in God. Your words have touched me. I pray that the God of Peace gives you and Jeremy a measure of comfort, love and hope that is beyond understanding.
ReplyDelete~Tina Davies
Hello Lori,
ReplyDeleteI know many of your friends, but have never met you. I have heard about your story late, a whole month after the passing of Rowan. My son died just before birth last year, and I will be remembering you as you learn to live loving a son who has carried your heart with him through death into life.
May you feel the tears of Christ as he walks along side you on this journey. He never planned this for any of his creation, and I have come to realize that he grieves deeply with us.
Kim Neufeldt