Flood.
What do I say? How do I act? How should I pray? I cannot stop asking these questions.
My heart has been flooded with emotion and confusion, to the brim full. I feel at any moment I will over pour and fall out of my well contained cup of coping. That my tears will flow and never stop, that my heart not have another beat for the pain it is in.
However, I have this other cup. This cup of joy. This cup of thankfulness....that is over pouring. For there have been people, angels really, who have been praying for us, crying with us, feeling our pain along side of us. How can I question the work God is doing when he has blessed us so much in the last few weeks?
I wish you could see into my brain. Feel my feelings. I want to be selfish and blaming. Yet how can I when all God has done is pour out his love, through his servants, upon us. Such a battle roars within me...I want to feel the emotions of this situation on this mothers heart, but I cant. HE wont let me...the Father continues to place his people in our lives, their hope flowing from their lips, uplifting my heart so that I can only believe. Believe that God has a plan, our son will bless and be blessed.
Oh my son. You do not understand the words I say to you, but may I as your mother use this situation to teach you of the great abundance of LOVE the father has for you, for us his cherished blessings. May you know the miracle your life already is, that he giveth you life sustained in the womb, of an all too unworthy servant...that he planned your days and formed you inside of me, for his glory and purpose. Whatever your life beholds, we promise as parents to direct all glory not to the science of nature, but to the flawless plan of the Almighty.
Father, you know this sinners heart. It weeps in your presence. I only can touch the very hem of your garment Lord with HOPE that you heal my son. My prayer to you has been so simple. It is this:
"Lord, I ask you heal Rowans heart into a full beating four chamber heart. And if this not be your will oh Lord, that you provide him with a full, long and prosperous life using science and medical professionals guided by your all powerful hand. You know this mothers heart."
To everyone who has read this blog...commented...prayed...wept. We thank you. Those words are not even enough to express how we have been carried on the wings of your prayers. We need you.
Faith was meant for times like these.
With love,
Lori, Jeremy, and baby Rowan
My heart has been flooded with emotion and confusion, to the brim full. I feel at any moment I will over pour and fall out of my well contained cup of coping. That my tears will flow and never stop, that my heart not have another beat for the pain it is in.
However, I have this other cup. This cup of joy. This cup of thankfulness....that is over pouring. For there have been people, angels really, who have been praying for us, crying with us, feeling our pain along side of us. How can I question the work God is doing when he has blessed us so much in the last few weeks?
I wish you could see into my brain. Feel my feelings. I want to be selfish and blaming. Yet how can I when all God has done is pour out his love, through his servants, upon us. Such a battle roars within me...I want to feel the emotions of this situation on this mothers heart, but I cant. HE wont let me...the Father continues to place his people in our lives, their hope flowing from their lips, uplifting my heart so that I can only believe. Believe that God has a plan, our son will bless and be blessed.
Oh my son. You do not understand the words I say to you, but may I as your mother use this situation to teach you of the great abundance of LOVE the father has for you, for us his cherished blessings. May you know the miracle your life already is, that he giveth you life sustained in the womb, of an all too unworthy servant...that he planned your days and formed you inside of me, for his glory and purpose. Whatever your life beholds, we promise as parents to direct all glory not to the science of nature, but to the flawless plan of the Almighty.
Father, you know this sinners heart. It weeps in your presence. I only can touch the very hem of your garment Lord with HOPE that you heal my son. My prayer to you has been so simple. It is this:
"Lord, I ask you heal Rowans heart into a full beating four chamber heart. And if this not be your will oh Lord, that you provide him with a full, long and prosperous life using science and medical professionals guided by your all powerful hand. You know this mothers heart."
To everyone who has read this blog...commented...prayed...wept. We thank you. Those words are not even enough to express how we have been carried on the wings of your prayers. We need you.
Faith was meant for times like these.
With love,
Lori, Jeremy, and baby Rowan
Hi Lori.
ReplyDeleteYou contacted me on Facebook, and you and your son have been on my mind ever since. I had to just search your name and found your blog. Wow, you are a good writer. I hope that and your beliefe in God will help you through. It sure did for me, and still does.
Life will never be the same, but it wouldn't even if Rowan was healthy. I wouldn't live a day without my son. He has tought me things in life I otherwise would not have. I am so grateful. It has been 5 hard years, many tears and times of almost losing hope. But then the times of joy, miracles and the strong love between a mother and her son will lift you up and carry you through. Mattias which means "Gift from God" has been through 14 surgeries, but today he is a pretty normal boy in many ways. His motor skils are a bit behind, he is partly tube fed, but he is in kindergaten, loves to read, look at maps and flags, play with cars and have play dates. The first years will be the thougest, but once the surgeries are over life will get a lot better. I promiss you!
Feel free to contact me any time, join our Heart Mama Coffee Group if you like at some point. There are many of us out here and we are all here to help each other.
I will pray for you and your son.
God Bless!
Love from Hege
Hi again Lori, it's Hege again. Don't worry I won't keep bombarding you with comments :o)
ReplyDeleteI just read your earlier entries and just felt like writing a little bit more. Right now I know two other families that are going through the 3rd stage surgeries. One of where this is their second HLHS child. I know they will be open to talk to you. Also, I would like to invite you and your husband to come to our house and meet our son if you would like. I am crying as I am writing. So many emotions are flooding up. My heart brakes for you. I know so well how you feel.
Also, I would like to say that don't get too cought up in statistics. If it is one thing we have talked about in the Heart Mama Group many times, it is that our children beat the numbers all the time, and sometimes we wonder where the numbers actualy come from.
There is also a HLHS group on Facebook, there you can even talk to other parents, but also teenagers and grown ups living with HLHS. The % is much higher theese days, and there are people living with this condition today that are older than 25 years old. Things are improving all the time, and you son's surgery will be in many ways different from the first ones.
Oh my dear, I hope you contact us, maybe meeting Mattias will give you more peace with it all. If not I understand.
Lots of love, Hege
Hi Hege!
ReplyDeleteJust actually read both of your messages! It is so great to know there is someone that knows exactly how you feel and knows exactly what you are going through! We have been carried so much on the prayers of others that it already feels like a better sitaution then when I first found out. My husbands cousin has a daughter with HLHS and so he has been around her and knows about the condition. For me it is really new, so I would love to come and meet you and your son and just talk a bit. I will try to add you on facebook and we can go from there! Thanks for the support...I am not one who reaches out but I sort of need to right now! Talk soon!
Lori
Hi Lori,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I'm Petara Panabaker's sister in law, and she told me about your story. It broke my heart. I will forever hold your family up in prayer! God is in the business of miracles, and nothing...absolutely NOTHING is impossible for him! Your faith is strong, and though I'm sure at times it won't always "feel" strong - rest in knowing you will constantly be uplifted in prayer.
Hi Lori,
ReplyDeletewe have not met, but I did Trek with Jeremy. Please tell him hello for me. Lee passed your blog onto me, and I have been praying daily for you, Jeremy and little Rowan. I will continue to do so, joining with you in praying for healing. I pray that God gives you peace beyond reason and strength for each day.
thank you for the posts that continue to show us your heart and remind me to pray. I don't know you personally, but I feel like I am getting to know your heart. and it is beautiful. i can see that from your words. honest. humble. vulnerable. even admist the brokenness you feel.
praying!
Erica
Just read these responses....and once again overwhelmed and thankful for the prayers of many. Friends new, and strangers alike...I am so thankful for each prayer sent up on our behalf! No way to thank all of you....
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Lori (Jer and Rowan too!)
Hi Lori,
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog this morning.
I am Jocelyn Swaan's niece and in fact was the flower girl at their wedding when Jeremy was the ring bearer.
I knew nothing about your story until now, but will now be constantly lifting up Baby Rowan in prayer.