Diababy

I am 98 days pregnant. I am 2352 hours pregnant. I am 141, 120 mintues pregnant.

What were we thinking?

I am so desperate to be one of those soon to be moms with a blissful baby story of how I had a natural pregnancy, natural birth and a perfectly healthy baby. All those dreams were short lived as soon as we found out we would be expecting a little bundle of baby.

There is no fear as great as knowing you will be entirely responsible for another human being. That you are the mother or father who will train your child to be the best little person...and big person, the world has ever known, is a terrifying thought.

Some women are so confident in the fact that they have the ability to bring up a little child without qualms. Who are you ladies?! Where did you get such confidence (besides the Lord maybe...) that you wouldn't royally mess up your child FOR LIFE!

Besides my thus far uncurable fears of being a parent, comes the joy slash utter hell of being a diabetic woman! Maybe if you read my previous post you can see that life with diabetes isnt very fun at times, but being pregnant and diabetic is like being a tiny bug under a microscope with people watching your every move and being subject to every illness and test under the God created sun! It is a true test of patience and endruance...one like I have never experienced before...and one that I am failing miserably.

Honestly, words cannot convey the true and joy stripping work that comes with being diabetic and pregnant. I speak to BC Womens hospital daily. They call me every morning at 9:30 am to see what my sugars have been the day before, and to adjust my insulin. If my blood sugars are high...they call me every hour. It is like having your mother call you every hour to check up on you. For many, this might be a nice thing, for the rest...you know what I mean!

And as helpful as the nurses and doctors are are Womens, they have a way of scaring the crap out of you with facts and details that no pregnant, hormonal sick woman should ever have to hear..... such as the following... (these are true statements that I have heard said to me by nurses and doctors)

- "Well...lets pray to God your baby doesnt have deformaties because to be honest, it is most likely going to happen. Prayer might be your only option.
-"Im just warning you that when your blood sugar is that high you are basically saying to your child, Sorry baby but I dont feel like making your lungs develop today." (I had a bladder infection. Like I can really control infection related blood sugar!)
-"It is most likely that your babys heart will not develop properly and they might have to have surgery withing the first six months of life. You should have been on top of this pregnancy before getting pregnant." (Like I dont feel guilty enough! Thanks!)

This road is so rough. I have been sick (not even with nausea...thats the thing!) for 98 days. I have been sick for 2352 hours. I am currently sick with a viral infection. I cough so hard I vomit....and guess what...no remedy for the pregnant woman!

I have been put on disability for the next six months till the baby comes. It is strange to think that the next year and a half of my life will not be spent working. It is hard when that is all you have done since you were 12. This stage of life is a new chapter in what is looking to be like a great book....now only to survive it!

It is strange how all the above paragraphs are completely erased when you hear that little baby's heart beat inside of you. You lie there on the table thinking of all the times you have snapped at it because it is causing you so much grief. And then with 140 little heart beats, all the agony is gone....

Till they shut off the machine!