Rebirth

16 months. 

Its been that long since I have been able to put my thoughts on to "paper", letting them escape the fury inside my head and heart. 

Before every blog I have written, I say a prayer, "Lord, let my words fall on ears whom you think might need to be encouraged or might need to hear these words." Pretty simple. 

Its been sixteen months since I have written anything because the back lash from my last post (which you can read it here), was not great and it closed up my heart. It made me sad. It made me not trust myself or people or why God had me write what was pressing hard on my heart, like the pressing of labour pains that need to be birthed. 

And here I find myself again. In the conception stage. Something growing in me... some words that need to get out. Ive been introverted the last 16 months, spending time looking into my own heart and questioning what was really in there. Reading through the messages of love and the messages of hate and evaluating each one and trying to explore really what I am. Who I am. Things I wont apologize for, and the things I will. 

That has really been the last six years of my life....trying to figure out who I am now. For me, losing a child, made me lose myself. All things I was confident in, were gone. My relationship with God was in question. My body was changed and I hated it. My family felt distant. I pushed away all my friends. I didn't know how to be happy and honestly, I didn't really want to be. I wallowed for a good, long time with the grief child I carried. It's all I could do. My body was full and it was heavy.
My mind was captive and it couldn't be released.

My life had been a series of unfortunate events, and I felt tired.
I carried my womb of grief and wasn't ready to give birth and let it out.
Pains like labour in my mind and back and legs and fingers and heart.
I just couldn't let it out. 

And now.

Now I feel that the grief I bore, was birthed and released.
Released into the heavenly realm, and in a very strange and unsuspecting way, it grounded me. 

Letting go of grief made me feel more stable. It made me think clearer. It made me see brighter.
I released it to get my life back....to find out who I am again.
To not cloak myself in it...and to put on the joy and life God has intended for me. 

So, like my words or not...I'm going to do it.
I am going to walk this road 

I am on and not doubt it and not be ashamed of it
and write and feel and be back to me.
Im going to learn to take the bad and use it to form me and refine my heart.
Im going to follow Gods leading and pressing in on this heart. 

This is me. 

-end-