Heart.

I have her crib ready.

Her walls painted. 

Her clothes arranged... 

Her special place in my heart is prepared. 

But lately, I have been finding myself, pulling my heart back. 

Trying to fall out of love, trying to not feel the joy. 

Trying not to feel the deep love. 

Trying to be worried and expecting the worst. 

In case it happens that way. 

In case I don't get to have her. 

In case my heart gets shattered again. 

I don't want to be too in love. 

I remember when Rowan was just a faint dream for us, when we read that first pregnancy test that said positive. I let myself fall hard. Long and hard. We heard of his heart at 20 weeks, and the love got deeper and longer and root-ier as I dug deep into the dirt of love to build deep foundations that would pull him through the medical challenges he faced. As if my love could literally mend his heart. 

//Mend that broken heart//

When your child is taken from you, whether it be your body's inability to have children, miscarriage, still birth, medical issues… whatever the loss may be… 

You put reins on your heart. 

You hold it back like the rider holds back the mighty stallion with its bits and bridle. 

To tame your heart into submission--to not fall in love as much as you want to. 

To make your heart submit to being less than it is capable of. 

To make sure you are protected, secure and safe in your stable of guardedness. 

Oh God. 

What do you want from my heart? 

I ask this of the Lord daily as I try to tame this wild-love-mess that I have with my children. How do I allow the love and the hurt and the scared to all exist in the same place? How is there room for it all? How do I balance the fear of loss, with the joy of what is to come? 

I keep these same perimeters with God as well. 

I allow him to the edge of where I am comfortable and no further. 

What if he takes over my whole being? 

What if he consumes me and I cannot bear the love//emotion//passion that he brings to my life? 

What if he commands the hurt, fear, loss and rejection to leave.

Then I cannot cling to it as I have so willingly in the past.

Isn't that what he calls us to…

Letting go of the things which chain us in the prison of fear. 

Release the bit and bridles of loss, sadness, rejection and shame. 

Not be saddled to our sin, but able to run free in the field of forgiveness. 

//Run free in the open fields of grace and mercy//

Be free to have an unleashed love for our God, our family, our future. 

And so this I pray… 

"Ride us into the wild adventure of you, O Lord. 

Unleash us…"

and again I say, 

"Ride us into the wild adventure of you, O Lord. 

Unleash us…"

||   until it is ingrained in me   ||

||   until I believe it   ||

||   until it becomes our motto   ||

"Ride us into the wild adventure of you, O Lord. 

Unleash us…"

Isaiah 63:13

{He led them through the deep, 

as an horse in the wilderness, 

that they should not stumble..}