Little Woman

I've been here before. And you have been here with me…. 

You have cried with me, prayed for me, rejoiced with me, and now again… are following this writing with me as I talk about our new baby to be. 

It's been an emotional journey for all of us, hasn't it? 

{ pause// breathe//write } 

On Tuesday, May 6th we found out our third precious child would be born with a healthy, whole heart.  To most parents the stress of bearing a healthy child isn't as extreme as ours… and we honestly say often, "We are so glad others don't have to go through this." 

We would never wish the journey of medical problems on anyone, let alone parents to be. 

But this is the journey the Lord has set out for us. And some days, I feel my only duty to it, is to put one foot in front of the other, and place my weight down on the ground and take a step.

And repeat. 

Till the day is done. 

{ step//repeat//step }

Leading up to Tuesday, was like that. 

5 months of one foot in front of the other.

5 months of waiting to see if the child I bear, is going to be healthy.

And I was stressed out. Like, not your average bad day at work stressed. 

Like, I think I might pass out from the rate at which my brain is spinning. 

What would happen if we had to go through the trauma again. 

{ Lightening doesn't strike the same place twice, right? }

But then we saw it. 

Four chambers. 

Before anyone said anything I yelled out quite loudly to the ultrasound tech, 

"FOUR CHAMBERS!" 

She did the rest of the measurements and examined all the angles of our baby and measured and prodded to get everything accurately. 

{and there she was} 

HEALTHY GIRL. 

I literally sat on the bed, asking the technician if she was sure. 

I made her look again. 

And yes, it was a girl indeed. 

Crying, laughing, tears of joy in the eyes of our doctors and us. A medical community affected by the tragic death of Rowan, now brought together by the health and wellness of HER. 

She isn't even here yet, and she is bringing HOPE! 

Her name is Skylar Rachelle Swaan. 

And she has given me hope. love. and a preemptive desire to be the  best mom to her possible. 

To love and listen to her when she is an emotional teenager. To be a constant friend who is trustworthy and builds confidence in her, so she never doubts who she is, or where she came from. 

To listen objectively when we set our boundaries for her, if she doesn't like them. 

To teach, guide, and facilitate a deep, emotional, trusting relationship with the Lord. 

But most of all, be the sensitive, caring, loyal, understanding, patient, adoring, encouraging, mother that I can be to her. 

Because already, I need her… and she needs me. 

The bond of a mother and daughter is one of the most genuine relationships that can be formed. 

And I feel it already, in her tiny kicks and in those little flicks. 

She is my daughter, and I am her mother. 

And O Lord I pray for ability to lead her well, and be the type of mother I need to be for her. 

{ Skylar Rachelle Swaan… we adore you already} 

Mom & Dad