HEAVE

No, I didn't spell it wrong.

The word is heave.

"To lift or haul {a heavy thing} with great effort."

It was a sunny Sunday afternoon and I had taken the dogs for a stroll on our property.  My father-in-law was doing some work on the farm and as we ran into each other we got into a discussion about my son Rowan and how the night before, I awoke in the middle of the night, lamenting all the things I never was able to do with him. Like memorize his face, kiss his fingers, doodle with his hair.

Be his mother.

My father-in-law says this to me.... "I heard this week that the word cast, doesn't just mean throw, it means HEAVE.  Like throw it as hard as you can. HEAVE your burdens on the Lord."

HEAVE. Hebrew translation...  1) to throw, cast, hurl, fling.

I have never really grasped the impact of the verse, "Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you."  [1Peter 5:7] until I heard it described as heaving.

In my mind, I am standing at the foot of the cross.  I have a heavy load in a burlap sack, tears and dirt are covering my face.

I am ashamed, battered, bruised, sick, tired and rejected.

The load on my back is heavy as it is flung over my right shoulder which is now wrought with pain as the muscles twist and wither to lift such a heavy load.

I have that empty, pathetic, whimpering cry and as I look up at him I think that this is the last of me.  That he will look down on me and punish me because I cannot carry my own load.

I agonize as I pull the burlap sack off my shoulder and try to lift the large mound of heavy burden I carry...it looks similar to coal... heavy, black, dirty.

I give it the final attempt as it takes every sinew, every shredding muscle in my body to heave this heavy load onto the feet of Jesus.  And blistering hands, broken back, agonizing scream... I heave my cares, my worries, my anger, my pain...upon him.

I heave the loss of my son.  I heave the anger, no....deep disgust I feel at myself, I heave my anger at the hospitals, doctors, specialists, I heave the judgement I have been under, I heave the tears, pain, guilt, agony, I heave the anxiety of being a mother, a wife, a proper christian.  I heave my insecurity, I heave my past,  my present, my future.

I literally throw it all, as hard as I can, at the foot of the cross.

And the funny thing, is that I do it all again at the next rising of the sun.  As dawn breaks on the flats, I look out my window and throw it all away again.

Because the burden of being human is too heavy to carry.  That is the whole point of Christianity.  To have a savior Jesus who comes and allows you to feel the freedom of the cross, not to make your life easier, but to make you trust in something besides yourself.  To trust in a Savior who cared enough to create you, who cares enough to take the heavy burden of all you carry, who cares enough for your salvation to die for you.

All your anxiety, addiction, obsessions, trials, weaknesses, fears, laments, deep dark horrific pain.

And the most amazing part of it all... is that he accepts it. He takes it all. He lifts our heavy load of burden and accepts it as his own. 

Heave your cares upon the Lord. Do it. Because he cares so deeply for you.

For me.

For us.

~Amen~