Happy Birthday my little cub...

Dear Son,

I know these words may not reach you, up in heaven.  I am unsure of how heaven hears earth, up there.  But I say these words, with hope that my spirit can express what I need to say to you, on this your first birthday, and that somehow you know fully that you are loved, wholly by your parents.

I dream of you in heaven. 

I see us in the most beautiful place ever in existence.  You run and greet me at the resting place.  You put your little toddler fists under your arm pits and you have the bravest smile on your face.  You stick your chest out, lion like, and say to me, “Look Mummy, no more scars!” and you charge off like a little cub and run into the arms of Jesus.  He gathers you like a lamb in his arms and I am welcomed into heaven. 

I am with you and I am home.

I never knew what it was like to long for heaven.  But now, my boy, I long daily for its eternity.  Life without end.  With you, with Jesus.

I think of all the heavenly hosts, who now take charge of heaven with you.  I take comfort in the fact that others have gone before you, and, if heaven were ever to be a lonesome place, that you are with your family, friends, and great victors of Christian faith…but mostly, surrounded by the deep and impenetrable love of Jesus.  That he is your best friend, your savior, your father. 

Not a day, nor even a second, goes by in this earthly word, that I don’t think about you.  I dream of you, I long for you, I ache for you…

I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you.

And so my son, I selfishly give these few words of wisdom… as if you needed them in the place of perfection.  I say them more for me….more to comfort the ache in this heart, the urge to be your mother…

Run though fields of grain with lions and tigers…

Touch the deep purple hem of the Father, and be filled…

Drink from the fountain of the everlasting…

Help prepare the house that waits for me and your dad…

Love and be loved by the millions of hosts that share eternity with you…

Press your tiny fingers into the nail scarred hands and know beyond all knowledge of what love is…

Bask like a cheetah in the glow of the sun, walk with Noah as he tends to the heavenly flocks…

But oh son….son I cannot hold, son I cannot see…

One last thing…

Please don’t forget me. 

Please recognize my face when I get there…

Please run to me when I meet you again…

Please know … oh!

Please know!

Dear son, please know my love for you.  The deep deep love of this mother for you. This consuming, heart wrenching love I have for you.

Happy 1^st Birthday Rowan Lawrence Swaan.

“ I am my beloved and he is mine. His banner over me is Love.”