My Son. Part 2.

His name is Julian Bennett Swaan.  


He is my second son. 


And he will be born with a whole heart. 


We sat in the exact same room, with the exact same doctors, with the exact same fear we had, just about a year ago. It was surreal. I felt like I was floating in the abyss waiting for bad news to bring me back to reality. 


Within a minute of us sitting down and having the machines hooked up to me, they said those words I won't forget. 


"Four chambers!" 


Happy tears were streaming down our faces as we watched our little wiggler, move to the sounds of our voices and our tears.  


Next to follow... "Three legs!"  It was another boy...


The hours following that appointment were filled with tears of extreme happiness and unforgiving anger.  


Why couldn't this happen to both of our sons....why only Julian.  I cried out to Rowan up in heaven, " Im so sorry my baby it wasn't you." I just felt overwhelmingly sad that it couldn't have been our Rowan with a whole heart too. 


Then. I realized I needed to be so happy for what was happening inside of me...a healthy baby boy coming to us.  What an amazing gift.  I didn't want to not be excited for what was happening to us...but I just couldn't get there.  I couldn't be happy that day. 


Now that it is a few weeks since, happiness has invaded my heart as I dream of Julian and what kind of little man he will be.  It makes me think and cry and yearn for Rowan in a new way.  My deep love for Julian is tied so tightly with the chords of my love for Rowan it is hard not to think of Julian and not cry or be filled with abounding love because of our love for Rowan. The two are truly brothers in their mothers heart.  They are so deeply rooted in who I am that they are not only my sons, they are a part of me.  A large piece of my heart devoted just to the space they occupy.  It is a deeper love than anything I know....the love of a mother for her sons. 


I often think of Mary, and how she loved Jesus and had to watch the brutality that came to her son.  I think of how her tears must have flown that day, at the foot of the cross and how her aching heart must have been ripped out of her chest as he whispered, "It is finished." 


I love Mary.  I want to spend time with her in heaven.  I want to know her  mothers heart.  I want to sit with Jesus.  I want to know him so completely that my brain no longer runs wild with questions of , "why" or "what was your plan." 


Yes. I wait patiently for that day. 


And for August 22nd, the day when Julian will be born. 


Dear Julian, how my heart desires to protect you forever...and how I cannot wait to have you in my arms. 


Amen.