This Deep.

It has been months since I have thought about writing to the universe as I am now.

Every time the tiny urge to put fingertips to key pads, I get nervous and scared to tell the real truth.

The truth that my life is hard. That I am not doing well. That misery doesn't love company and it is lonely in this place I am in.

As urged by some of my people, I sit here now...empty house, trying to express the depths of this heart. How do you describe your everyday pain and frustration because you just can't get happy?  That you can't just get over, under or sideways through what you feel. If there was a way, I would walk it.  If there was a path, I would take it.  I find that the mess of losing a child is dirty and confusing and the way out is foggy at best.

A few truths I do know....

My husband loves me.

Do you remember the vows you said to each other?  I recite them daily as we literally have to act them out, choose them each day.  To love each other through the dry, dark, heavy times and through the tiny little joy's that we take not for granted.  You do not know love or marriage till you go through something that tests those vows. Big or small...

Secondly...

That the joy of heaven is real.  I wish I could prove to you that heaven exists.  I wish I could show you the beautiful images the Lord gives me of a place that is beyond comprehension...to be honest, even words do not do justice.  I know my little boy is worshipping all day long.  I know that heaven is for real!

Third,

There is hope.  I have to tell you that the hope is as small as this (.) , yes that little dot.  Sometimes it is even smaller than that.  It is smaller than small but darkness cannot exist in the presence of light....even if the light is this big (.)   I feel hope inside my belly, in this baby....I feel hope in love, the deep patient love of my husband, I feel hope in the clouds as they are the closest I can see to heaven.  Hope, no matter how small is still hope....and I cling to that dot, for my life some days.

Lastly...

The truth of the matter is that everyone has a fake persona that they put forward.  Through this journey, and through the telling of our story, I have learned that a lot of  people struggle with a lot of different things.  Broad statement I know! But we all sort of project the best of ourselves to others as to not show our weakness or our struggle.  I have learned that not everyone needs to know your journey, however, we all have one.  We all have struggles big and small and we are not alone in this.  Whether your struggle is severe depression, marital problems or being single and feeling alone in the world... We all have something we are walking through.  And I have been challenged to be real.  I have been challenged to
NOT say, "Im doing good!" when it has taken me three hours to get motivation to even leave the house!  Such a hard, humbling task to show ones true colours amidst crisis.  But worth it. Well worth it.

Day by day, movement and moment.... we are getting through this deep.  We are crying, we are dealing, we are struggling, we are succeeding.  Every day is a new expression of love, joy, sadness and strength just to get through.  We wish this road on no one.... but accept ours as this journey and try to love each other through it.

This deep is deep.

(Thank you for walking with us!)


*A special thanks to my mother for supporting me as a daughter who lost a son.
*To Danielle F. for talking about and remembering my son.
*To Ashley E. for listening to the hurt.
*To Steff B for living this journey with me.