Puppy Project

There are times in my life when I think without thinking.

Yes, you read that right.

I think that I need something, or want something, or need to do something without really really thinking it through like I normal do.

Getting a puppy was one of them.

I have a deep adoration for animals...particularly dogs. I love them... I would have a dog farm. I look everyday at Craigslist for dogs, just to see what is out there.

That is when I came across Rugby.

He happens to be the cutest little man pup around.

I thought bringing a puppy would fill the void I had been feeling for the past 10 weeks, at the loss of our dear son Rowan. Here I would have a puppy that would need me and whine for me and want to cuddle with me and nap with me.

It seemed like the stars aligned when we met Rugby at the dog park. First of all, he was born on the first of July. Rowans birthday. Coincidence? I think not. Secondly, his name was Rugby...Jer's favourite sport! Obviously this was meant to be.

We bought him home and Dyna, our boxer/collie, loved dragging him around and keeping watch over him. I thought we had it made in the shade.

That night we put our furry friends in their house, and went to bed.

Three hours later...I woke up sobbing.

I wake up Jeremy and say with tears once again flowing down my face, that we cannot keep Rugby.

I do not want a puppy, I want my son.

All the things I mentioned before that I thought a puppy would do...well he did. He did whine for me, he did have naps and cuddle with me. And every time something like that happened, all I could think about was how this little pup was not Rowan....it was just a dog.

It was not my son.

Holding Rugby is like holding a baby. He likes being held cradle style. He weighs 15 pounds, the size of a child. He is too much like a child to not be one.

And so feeling defeated I put Rugby back on Craigslist and sought a loving home for him.

I realized that I am doing anything it takes to fill this void I have in my heart. I am staying busy and keeping my cool and getting dogs to try to fill the anguish I feel in this heavy heart.

And guess what I learned?

It doesn't work.

I am reading a book by Henri Nouwen called, "Turing My Mourning into Dancing" and my, what a wonderful read. My friend Emily gave it to me, and she always has a knack for giving me books that change my heart at the exact time they need changing. Her spiritual gift is book giving!

Anyways Henri writes this,

"Our incessant busyness, becomes a way to escape what must somedays be confronted. The world in which we live, lies the Evil One, and the Evil One would prefer to distract us and fill every little space with things to do, people to meet, business to accomplish, products to be made. He does not allow any space for genuine grief and mourning. Our busyness becomes a curse, even when we think it provides us with relief from the pain inside. Our overpacked lives serve only to keep us from facing the inevitable difficulty that we all, at some time or another must face."

I guess I am taking the long road to mourning....without distractions.

Puppy-less.