Moving.
Life without my son is hard.
I feel like I talk about him a lot.
I cant stop that. I need to talk about him. I need to express my pain, anguish, joy and pride, all of the emotions I feel towards my Rowan.
I must admit that these words seem forced. I have been replaying words and sentences in my head, wondering what to put down to those who want to hear it. How do you explain how your heart aches every minute of the day? How do you explain how you replay every moment of that one week, a million times in your head...yet the outcome is still the same?
No Rowan.
A lot have asked how we are doing...and fine seems to be the best answer. I am not great but I am not bad. I am walking the line between sadness and happiness. I am neither, I am just existing on the balance. There are too many emotions that rush through these life lines inside of me to pick and choose how I am feeling. I just take it as it comes...sometimes mourning the loss with uncontrollable tears, as I am now, and other times with such joy thinking back to my son's first cry.
Can I tell you the worst feeling?
The feeling of being forgotten. I want the world to remember my son. I want the sun to stop in its place and the moon to stop shining in the star filled night so that I can feel that the universe remembers my son. It is so hard when I am talking with people who know of our journey and know that Rowan went to be with Jesus, and yet don't say anything about him. It is like he never existed. And as a mother this is the most painful thing I have yet to experience in this grieving process. I would rather shed a tear than to hold it in and not talk about him. I would rather you see me break down, than to keep this love and pain journey inside of me. I want my son, so badly to be remembered and loved.
I love talking about my son. His smile, his ears, his lips, his feet, his cry, his heart, his journey. I am still such a proud mother. I want to wear a big sandwich board that says, "I love my son! He is the worlds greatest!"
I am where I am in this journey... I am not moving forwards. I am not moving backwards. I have no profound thoughts or wise statements. I am just moving. I am a tepid pond on a lazy summer night, stirring slightly but not on some grandiose quest. I am just content with being where the soft wind of the Lord takes me, gently allowing this soul to move.
I am moving.
L <3
Lori, all I can say is one day I hope to have just an ounce of your strength. You have been through so much and even after all these years of being friends, you still inspire me to be a better person. And your son is beautiful and always will be <3
ReplyDeleteNot totally sure why that posted as "unknown" when it's actually Elya, but ok.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why people don't bring up those that have passed on. Perhaps it is there own issue/fears around death that stops them??? Anyways, I will always want to hear about him and will always remember him with you. I only wish I could have met him!!! So please tell us all the details of just how amazing he is! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI cannot even imagine your pain. I've lost 2 children, but I didn't even get to see them. I can't imagine what it would be like to see them, hold them in your arms and then lose them. Yes, Rowen is with Jesus, but he will always be a part of you. He will always be in your heart and you will always see him, especially if you have more children. A friend of ours has 4 children and lost one, but they always say they have 5 children and they always call the child they lost by name and say he is here with them. Rowen will never leave you. The pain of his going to Jesus will never go away, but some day it will become smaller so that you can say how much he is a part of your life and take that next step. Remember that Jesus is holding your hand every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteMichel (Elya's Mom)
This post is so beautifully written and poignant. Thank you for your heart, your Mother's heart. You are an inspiration and because of you, and your husband, Rowan will live on. And oh what a day it will be in heaven when he gets to hug his mama again. Praying for the strength to keep moving and continued perspective on this journey. God is speaking through you and touching many hearts, I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteHey Lori, I just wanted to let you know you've been on my mind and heart this week.
ReplyDeleteI was reading in Jeremiah on Sunday, and for some reason I've always remembered you sharing (something like 12 years ago) that 29:11 was your favourite verse. I don't know if that's still significant in your life, but it always make me think of you (I don't remember the exact memory... I think it was while we were in Nicaragua or getting ready to go). Anyways, I was really struck by verse 14 (as well as the rest of the passage): "'I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" It hit me in relation to my own grief from this year, but I also couldn't get you and your husband and baby boy from my mind as I read it. I dont' have any other insight than that. This is how I'm praying for you, and I hope that you can take some comfort in His promises, even if it feels you are stuck in the desert forever.
Love, *Lisa Laplante