Dry Bones
It feels like a century since my fingers have last typed what my mind seeks to express.
It feels like a valley of dry bones.
A never ending desert that seems to blow its dust into my eyes, making me unable to even see the path before me.
It has been a struggle.
These last few months of pregnancy have tested me in ways I wish never repeated on anyone. I remember, before I was even pregnant, asking God to make me less self centered. Be warned... Be careful what you ask the Lord for. He has a funny way of answering your prayers.
I have spent more time in doctors offices, medical appointments and on bed rest than the average pregnant woman. I have had indescribable pain, uncontrollable emotions, unbearable questions plaguing my soul...and here we are. The final days of carrying my son in my womb. The last 12 days of him being safe from the world, and free from medical problems. I selfishly want him out of me, yet I cant bear to think of what he will endure when he comes out and meets the world, head on.
My brave little lion inside. How I wish a different beginning for him...not one where every part of his body is hooked up to a tube or monitor. Where his heart is healed and his journey begins with a healthy heart and strong body. Oh the simple things this mother wishes for.
As many of you have read on my facebook statuses, for the last few weeks I have been in and out of hospital with uncontrollable pain in my lower back. At first they thought it was associated with kidney stones, but alas we found a doctor who got it right. I have been struggling with spasming nerves surrounding my spine which contract the spine causing "kidney stone like pain." It has been the worst pain I have ever experienced. I have been using morphine to touch the pain, however, some days it is so bad that even a double dose of that crazy potent narcotic doesn't even come close to touching the pain. I have sat in a bed, either at a hospital or at my home, tears streaming down my face, my husband holding my hand...crying uncontrollably to help me help me help me. He looks at me and with tears in his own eyes says, "babe I wish I could." He feels completely helpless. I feel completely attacked.
I sometimes wonder if the journey we are on, is similar to the road of Job. He was a man in the bible who had his entire family, his whole life taken from him. Inflicted with physical pain, emotional depravity... and yet he still praised the Lord. It was a test that allowed Satan to destroy the life of Job, the Lord knew what a faithful servant he had in Job....and not once did Job curse the Lords name. We feel sometime that the Lord is testing us...how well Jer and I can praise the Lord even in the storm. We have had nothing but a year of change. Getting married, being pregnant for 9 out of 11 months of marriage, being sick beyond sick, getting a new job for Jer, having a son with a complicated heart problem, and just being newlyweds and trying to figure each other out. I feel we have had plenty of reason to give up, to curse the Lord, to ask and question the Lord and his methods of teaching us. Yet, we accept the path he has laid for us, because as awful, heartbreaking, and slippery the slope is, we still know that God's plan is best for our lives and that he brings all things together for our good. That the dry bones desert we walk in, will one day flourish with green lush grass as he leads us besides still waters and allows our souls to rest.
In this hellish storm of life, praise be to God. For he will do great things.
Amen.
It feels like a valley of dry bones.
A never ending desert that seems to blow its dust into my eyes, making me unable to even see the path before me.
It has been a struggle.
These last few months of pregnancy have tested me in ways I wish never repeated on anyone. I remember, before I was even pregnant, asking God to make me less self centered. Be warned... Be careful what you ask the Lord for. He has a funny way of answering your prayers.
I have spent more time in doctors offices, medical appointments and on bed rest than the average pregnant woman. I have had indescribable pain, uncontrollable emotions, unbearable questions plaguing my soul...and here we are. The final days of carrying my son in my womb. The last 12 days of him being safe from the world, and free from medical problems. I selfishly want him out of me, yet I cant bear to think of what he will endure when he comes out and meets the world, head on.
My brave little lion inside. How I wish a different beginning for him...not one where every part of his body is hooked up to a tube or monitor. Where his heart is healed and his journey begins with a healthy heart and strong body. Oh the simple things this mother wishes for.
As many of you have read on my facebook statuses, for the last few weeks I have been in and out of hospital with uncontrollable pain in my lower back. At first they thought it was associated with kidney stones, but alas we found a doctor who got it right. I have been struggling with spasming nerves surrounding my spine which contract the spine causing "kidney stone like pain." It has been the worst pain I have ever experienced. I have been using morphine to touch the pain, however, some days it is so bad that even a double dose of that crazy potent narcotic doesn't even come close to touching the pain. I have sat in a bed, either at a hospital or at my home, tears streaming down my face, my husband holding my hand...crying uncontrollably to help me help me help me. He looks at me and with tears in his own eyes says, "babe I wish I could." He feels completely helpless. I feel completely attacked.
I sometimes wonder if the journey we are on, is similar to the road of Job. He was a man in the bible who had his entire family, his whole life taken from him. Inflicted with physical pain, emotional depravity... and yet he still praised the Lord. It was a test that allowed Satan to destroy the life of Job, the Lord knew what a faithful servant he had in Job....and not once did Job curse the Lords name. We feel sometime that the Lord is testing us...how well Jer and I can praise the Lord even in the storm. We have had nothing but a year of change. Getting married, being pregnant for 9 out of 11 months of marriage, being sick beyond sick, getting a new job for Jer, having a son with a complicated heart problem, and just being newlyweds and trying to figure each other out. I feel we have had plenty of reason to give up, to curse the Lord, to ask and question the Lord and his methods of teaching us. Yet, we accept the path he has laid for us, because as awful, heartbreaking, and slippery the slope is, we still know that God's plan is best for our lives and that he brings all things together for our good. That the dry bones desert we walk in, will one day flourish with green lush grass as he leads us besides still waters and allows our souls to rest.
In this hellish storm of life, praise be to God. For he will do great things.
Amen.
12 more days! That is crazy lori. Wow, the countdown is on. Praying for you in these final days....
ReplyDeleteYour faith is inspiring!
xoxo
Wow Lori.
ReplyDeleteI've sure been thinking of you lots during your pregnancy. You certainly have been and are going through a lot. I don't have any words to make you feel better. I can understand that difficult pregnancies are hard emotionally because you can't even see your baby yet. I really hope you can find some pain relief - sound awful. We'll keep praying for your whole family of three.